These Men Make Me Think It is Time to Grow Up

 

Nate (14) and Micah (16)

Four Three and a half years. Count them. Three and a half is all I have left before these guys are officially "adults."

It is unbelievable to me that it is possible that both of our sons are in high school, teenagers, boys that have grown into men. They have made the leap from baby fuzz to shaving, dirty t-shirts and jeans to designer clothes and their very own styles, sweaty and stinky to long showers and smelling of cologne. Now I understand there is still quite a process to complete here but it seems we have started over the hill and are looking back over our shoulders at the glory days. It is almost too much for this mama to handle.

I have and still do love being a mom and I wouldn't trade it for the world. I am just sensing that it is time to be intentional about sorting through dreams, plans, good intentions to determine which are truly from the Lord, meant to be fulfilled and which are not. It is a redefining of sorts. It's exciting and it's even a bit intimidating. We shall see what comes out in the wash as they say...

Seeing my sons step into manhood challenges me to pray for discernment and courage as I think it may be time to FINALLY grow up.

Patient Prodding

 

I have a son who is in an interesting phase right now. He is riding the line between wise choices and self will. My heart longs for him to get it right. Learn the lesson. Choose the best. Yet, I find it so easy to identify what his problem is because I myself struggle with that very problem. Don't we all? How often do we lean to the comfort of self will when we know maybe we are leaning a little too far off the track.

I find myself prayerful. Lord, what is the balance between grace and discipline. How far does grace stretch? When does discipline fall so that choices don't become bad habits? And again I identify far too easily. The Lords grace has never run out on me yet I have also been disciplined.

The Lord is showing me that I am to patiently prod just like He does to me. So, now. What can I use for my poker? Oh, wait a minute I feel something poking me in the back.

Giving them Up

I vividly remember being called to give my first son up before he even took his first breath on this earth. I sat on a hard, rough bench feeling the burden of carrying him inside. It was hot, the dust burned my eyes and the sound of African music boomed in my ears. My hands were busy holding an orphaned little one that we purposed to love and treat sweetly every Sunday we had the chance. As I fussed with the little guy filling up my lap my own little one was kicking me hard from the inside reminding me he was there as well. I will never forget sensing in my spirit that as real as the little one sitting in my lap so was the the tiny one fluttering in my womb. I was drawn to offer him back to the Lord. Not to give him over, but to give him back. He had first been the Lord's and I was only given the privilege of mothering him for as many years as the Lord determined. I knew that instinctively so it was natural for me to choose to give him back.

As I sat by my youngest sons bedside in a make shift hospital ward with his very bruised and broken body moaning next to me I once again was drawn to give a son back to the Lord. Feeling helpless, afraid and completely stranded I was brought to my knees. Nothing reminds us of our inability like helplessness.

Many things happen in innocence and naivity that you don't often understand the implications of until much later in life. For me the giving back of my boys to the Lord has been a continual process at crucial points over the last 15 years of mothering. None have been easy but they have all been sweet because I know that the Lord loves my children far more than I. So very often the crucial points of faith come when we see our utter despair and brokenness and know we have nothing left to give. God in His divine goodness has allowed me the honor of needing him desperately. I am so very grateful!

It's a Hard Life

This is Manuel with his wife and baby girl.

We have known Manuel since he was a boy.

He was an orphan at the first place we ever lived and ministered at in Mozambique-Maforga Christian Mission.

He has had a hard life but we are constantly amazed that he continues to press on. Regardless of the hardships of losing loved ones during the war, seeing unspeakable atrocities, growing up at an orphanage, suffering in poverty, robberies that have stripped away things he has worked hard for over and over, he has persevered. What a testimony. We will never truly understand what it is to live his life but we are so grateful that through it all he has remained a faithful friend and a faithful follower of the Lord.

What a blessing to see him continue reaching out the orphans in need around him with the little he has even when we are far removed...continents away.

What a joy to know he truly understands the gospel.

Moving AGAIN...

In just four weeks we are moving AGAIN. This is something that I have experience with, that is for sure. Marc and I have been married 15 years now and by my rough estimate this will be our 23rd time moving. Yep, you read that correctly 23 times. You can probably imagine how stinkin' tired I am of packing :)

As a missionary, you get used to moving or at least you try as it seems to be something you do often. You make your best effort to remain flexible and unattached to any particular home or furnishing as you realize there is a good possibility you will leave it sooner or later. We have had to start over more times than we can count. By start over, I mean arrive to a new place with only our suitcases and have to literally start over with finding furniture, dishes, a phone, everything. God has been so gracious to us over the years through his people as many, many times we have had items donated.

But, in four weeks we will be buying our house and moving AGAIN. This time feels different somehow. Marc and I talk about keeping this home for a very long time. We are feeling as though we will finish raising the boys here and begin a new chapter of our life here as empty nesters and maybe even welcome grandchildren here. This is not to say that we will never leave it, even if for a time to return overseas someday but for now it feels like home and it is nice to sense that peace of being settled.

So here I am trying to work up the energy to move just one last time -- for now!

Long Time, No Post...

So, it's been about two months since I last posted. That may be my longest absence yet. Sorry. No particular reason really. There have been some changes around here but I really don't have an excuse for the silence. Anyway, some of the new things happening are...

We are buying a house!

Our little cabin in the woods.

It has 5+ acres of woods to enjoy.

And my favorite part is this lovely (although dirty) fireplace.

We got a new puppy!

Here name is Sissy.

 I started working part-time, a couple mornings a week as the adminstrative assistant of the CareNet Pregnancy Center!

Spring has come.

I have the daffodils from our flower bed to prove it.

The boys have been keeping themselves entertained.

Don't worry, he survived.

So this is life...it continues on - at a rapid pace- but we are trying to remember to take in each moment :)

Highschool Anxiety

So, my oldest son turned fourteen a few months ago which means come the fall it will be time for him to begin highschool. There is some serious anxiety happening about this. Not by him, BY ME. How on earth did this happen? When did my beautiful, chubby, easy going, blue eyed baby boy turn into a muscular, handsome, rugged, often emotional young man? Somedays I just don't know how we got here or at least not this quickly. There are days that I myself still feel like a child so I don't know how on earth it is that I have a teenage "man" calling me mom in a very deep voice. I still look for the stranger wandering around our house when I hear "that man" talking. It seems like it crept up on me out of nowhere. Yesterday, he was playing with cars and legos and loved to watch cartoons. Today he totes around a BB gun, wears army fatigues, shaves and talks about learning to drive. For those that fear I am failing at this whole letting go thing don't worry I don't bemoan these things outloud to him. Well, except for the times I force him to cuddle up on the couch next to me and I hug him like a wild woman and call him my baby until he can't take it anymore and flees the scene.

Happy Valentines Day

May you find the moments with your loved ones sweet, long, comforting and often.

New Years

This year I seem to be approaching New Year's with a lot more reflection on the past and forethought for the year ahead. Maybe it's because I am getting older, maybe because I need to make some changes, or maybe because life has just been a little slower this year and I've had time to think. It seems I was drawn to ask myself some questions concerning my spiritual, physical and mental health. And then the list came together.

Here are a few things my heart tells me I need to make happen in the coming year:

1. Consistent, longer daily times with the Lord.
2. Experiment with more healthy cooking.
3. Get regular physical exercise.
4. Read more. Especially about things important to me.
5. Make time and opportunity for important conversations with my boys.
6. Learn some new skills like bread baking, crocheting.
7. Do more scripture memorization.
8. Continue "dating" my husband each month.

Christmas

We had a wonderful Christmas this year although it did seem to go by way too fast.

Reading...

Winter, or at least colder weather always seems to lend me time to do more reading than usual. I am one of those people that is in the middle of a couple of books at any one time. Usually one on the coffee table in the living room and one on my night stand. It all depends on my mood and interests for that day or week. It's very strange for me since I am quite organized in the other areas of my life but maybe that is why I find great joy in it.

Currently on my "In the middle of it list" is:

~

One Thousand Gifts

~

Monique and the Mango Rains

~

Once I am finished with these two...

~

  Kisses from Katie

I am so thankful that I can read. So many in this world do not have the honor of learning to read and I am grateful.

Beginning to Look Like Christmas Around Here

The stockings are hung...

The Christmas parade has happened...

The tree is decorated...

The Advent candles have been lit...

The homemade garland has been strung...

The snowman family is on display...

The African nativity is in it's place...

NOW ALL WE NEED IS SNOW!!

Thankful

Tomorrow is American Thanksgiving. As I write the pumpkin pies are cooking in the oven. The house is filled with sweet smelling spices. The kids are bored. The Christmas music is playing in the background. Outside there is snow on the branches from a light, overnight sprinkling. It's the "perfect" holiday mood, right?

My heart is full because I have so much to be thankful for like always. We all do-ALWAYS! Just some years our perspective becomes more clouded than others and we focus on our heartbreaks, our dissapointments, our loneliness, our brokenness.We turn our eyes inward instead of upward.

I am remembering Thanksgiving 2009. It will always be so special to me. It was nothing fancy that is for sure. There was no holiday music, no cold weather ( if fact we were sweating like crazy), no fat, juicy turkey (only a skinny imported one from Brazil that cost a pretty penny), and no abundance of fancy decorations or elaborate spread of food. But there was thanks giving. We had driven out to our friends farm in the bush in Mozambique. They were still in the process of building there house built out of mud, straw and cow dung-yes, literally. There in the scorching heat with our Thanksgiving spread on a wobbly table under the canopy of a landrover we celebrated being together and being thankful that in the midst of a not so comfortable life we could celebrate the ONE that makes life worth living and life worth giving. Amazing!

So today I am thankful to know what true Thanks-giving feels like. Today I am thankful for all those friends I have that continue to lay down their lives daily for the ONE that makes giving thanks possible.

Grandma Sue

Each time I bend low to scoop up those silver pans that sit beneath my oven I remember her. Although they are worn, scratched and old they are seasoned with love. The tape there on the sides, nearly worn off now, marks her having been here on this earth. I don't want it to go away just like I didn't want her to leave. The pots sit across the kitchen stacked in a cupboard. Each time I feel the weight of them I remember her. How she was strong in her faith and sure of heaven to come.

For years now, I've held them dear. They've traveled the globe with me helping to make new places home. They've reminded when at times I had forgotten that I too will leave this earth and for now my faith is all that truly counts.

Being Emptied

It comes whether we find ourselves ready for it or not.

 It happens slowly but it's as though we don't notice.

Until suddenly, something in us awakens and we see it bursting forth and we find things all different.

Life sprinkles steadily to the ground to be absorbed, all rotten.

There is beauty in even this-the shedding of the old to make way for the new.

 It's shedding means life is full of promise.

It requires a stillness and a time of emptiness but life will come again. 

We are only emptied so new life can come forth in it's due season.

October....Really?

I am finding it hard to believe that it is already October. Although the weather is cooling down and the leaves are changing into beautiful colors and even beginning to fall. Time passes so quickly. In a month my first born baby boy will be turning 14. AHHHHH.....not so fast.

What My Boys are Made of...

Grass stained jeans.
Dirty fingernails.
Constant hunger.
Cardboard guns.
Saturday morning cartoons.
Bruises and scrapes.

Tossing footballs.
Dirty, bare feet.
Lego creations.
Peanut butter and jelly.
Nerf gun wars.
Wrestling.
Bicycles and skateboards.
Newfound acne.
Tree climbing.
Stinky socks.
Adventure books.
And GREAT BIG BEAUTIFUL HEARTS!

Spilling Sin

Again. Really, AGAIN?

The ugliness of my own sin makes me cringe to admit that it happens not so often

FAR. TOO. OFTEN.

I watched them, those words of sin,
spilling from my wretched mouth.

Nearly as soon as they came tumbling out
 I longed to shove them back in.

To swallow them hard and to choke on them
if that's what it takes.
Lord, help me be a women of few words.
Help me season them with mercy and grace.

^"Words from the mouth of a wise man are gracious,

while the lips of a fool consume him."

Ecclesiastes 10:12

Romans...The Depth of His Great Love

If you had asked me a couple of weeks ago what my favorite book of the Bible was I would have said James. I don't know why...I am weird I guess. Not that James is so uplifting, really it is disturbingly challenging. BUT lately I have been dwelling and soaking in the book of Romans and I am falling in LOVE. I've read it many times before but isn't it like GOD to put you right where you need to be for a moment or a season.

I need Romans and I find it filling the depths of my heart with HIS great love. We, so undeserving, so sinful, so full of our own selfish, prideful flesh. Yet, He, so full of GRACE and immense love that He purposefully lavishes upon us. I know nothing sweeter and I am in awe of such a wonderful savior.

Getting Older

Today is my 38th birthday. Weird. When you are a kid you think 38 is SO old. Although I am "feeling" 38 more than previous birthdays (it seems so close to 40) many days I still feel like a kid myself. Honestly, there are those days that I look at my husband and boys and wonder how did I get here? How is it possible that I have been married to this man of mine for nearly 15 years? How is it possible that I have two sons in Junior High this year? Funny how life just sneaks by and you find yourself looking back wondering where have so many hours, days, months, years gone.