Life here in Mozambique can be emotionally raw and draining.
In the shower this morning I was thinking back over the last 16 months that we have been here and several emotionally charged events came flooding back to my mind.
A seven year old girl grieving over the death of her baby sister, carrying guilt that didn't belong to her because she was her mama and always carried her tied on her back and she let her die. Telling her it wasn't her fault but knowing only God can convince her that He does not hold her responsible.
A grandma that cares for her orphaned grandchildren losing one of the five year olds to death. She's sad but she is more concerned about the funeral debt that is lingering over her head not because she didn't love her but because the debt is still here and the baby is already gone.
Picking up a very weak, ill old man that was tied to a bicycle being pushed by his family. Going to the hospital hoping they would help but instead being told to take him to the morgue where they lay him on a bed, cover him with a sheet and wait for him to finish dying.
A homeless, crazy man wandering down the middle of the street heading for our car where I sit waiting for Marc. God's small voice telling me to look him in the eyes, to not avoid him and his existence. Being filled to overflowing with compassion and God's love for him.
Concern for Marc realizing that he has malaria. Remembering he gets so violently sick, so very fast. Praying we get him medicine fast enough before he is really suffering and his body starts shutting down.
Back to the shower this morning.
God was whispering to me that I was not a part of those things to help solve them but more for His work in my heart to be done.
He needed to change me.
He needed me to see His love and compassion more.
He wants me to Himself.
He desires my moves and thoughts to be generated out of His heart.
He needed me internally not just externally.
So we move on together understanding that He leads.
My only job is to follow His heart.
To engage only in the things that He softly whispers to me.
To be internal.
To allow Him to show me what must change in me.
Out of that overflow comes love, comes dedication, comes servanthood.